Chihiro's Monthly Monster
by Libby16
Summary: For all the ladies needing a laugh right now ;  and guys too if they wish! How will Haku survive Chihiro's monthly monster? RATED M ONLY FOR STRONG LANGUAGE.


**So I'm sorry for not getting another chapter of snowflakes out there! But in place of chapter 7 of snowflakes I decided to write this one-shot! I've wanted to write a humor story for a few days now, and it's just been eating at me! I had to get this out of my system before returning back to snowflakes, which is a more serious fan fiction. After reading this I suggest you check it out as it's MUCH MUCH MUCH better than this! **

**This is something I wrote within a few hours in an attempt to get it out of my system in order to concentrate on something better. If you've read snowflakes you'll find this VERY different indeed**

**So as I said, I was trying to come up with something worth of writing with humor. But what could it be? Well it finally struck me when today i was at a friend's house with 7 others of my closest friends *all girls* and we were watching the movie "No Strings Attached" and there was a scene where the girl received a period playlist from the guy. Only to find out after that scene that ALL 8 OF US WERE ON OUR PERIODS IN THE SAME DAY! Wasn't surprising looking back on it, but after that we all seemed more comfortable to complain out loud about how miserable we were, so it got me wondering, once Chihiro is reunited with haku later, how will he deal with her MONTHLY MONSTER?**

**Btw: Chihiro came back to the spirit world, blah blah blah, she loves haku, blah blah blah. Not gonna go into the whole thing as to how shes there and stuff. I couldn't resist throwing a little of myself into Chihiro, such as the whole vegetarianism thing, and how we're absolute bitches on ours. I don't expect this to be good. Just fluff and monstrosity :)**

**NO CORRELATION TO SNOWFLAKES.**

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><p><strong>HAKU POV<strong>

I opened my eyes to the blinding sun feeling great; better than I had in so long with my arm wrapped around my little love under soft sheets. Her breath blew against my bare chest and she snored lightly which I found absolutely endearing. She was gorgeous; absolutely perfect in every way. I never heard her complain or have any outbursts whatsoever; this I was grateful for. I didn't know how I would react once she let her temper loose on me; I had already seen it maybe once after she screamed at Yubaba, but never towards anyone else. From what I could tell when that day came it would not be a pretty sight.

I gently stroked her hair trying to wake her. She merely stirred a little and gave a slight pout in her sleep. Perhaps I needed a more persuasive way of waking her. Ducking my head down I gently placed my lips on top of hers causing an immediate reaction as she responded to the kiss in fervor throwing her arms around my neck. The kiss was intense but very short, leaving me irritated. I wanted more from her, but as it was early I didn't press my luck.

"That was a lovely way to be woken up." She said gradually opening her chocolate brown eyes while giving me a soft smile. I responded by giving her a quick chaste kiss on the lips once more. She pulled away once more leaving me growing quite annoyed. She was still tired I could tell, pressing her face into the pillow under her she mumbled "Too early."

"Oh little one, it's not too early, it's the normal time we rise every day and you never have a complaint." I say teasing her. I was rewarded with a face full on pillow. I smirked merely shoving it off. "Come, it's time to get ready. You promised Kamaji a visit today."

She sighed knowing I was right. Hastily throwing back the covers she groggily walked towards the bathroom connected to our room. I lay in bed a little longer marveling at how I was able to acquire such a perfect specimen.

I was rudely brought out of my trance by a high pitched shriek followed by an expletive I had never once heard escape a ladies lips.

"Chihiro?" I called concerned jumping out of the bed and running over towards the bathroom door. The door slammed open hitting me square in the forehead. "Ouch!" I cried; my hand flying up to cover the strawberry welt that was beginning to form.

"You're fine." She said hotly. "Where's Lin?"

"Chihiro what's going on?" I wondered aloud.

"I. Said. Where's. Lin?" she pressed, a dangerous gleam approaching her eyes.

"Will you please tell me…" I began but was quickly interrupted.

"FUCK IT OFF HAKU AND TELL ME WHERE LIN IS!" she screamed knives at me.

Where was my precious innocent little one coming up with this ghastly language? I had never heard her utter a single curse word before; taken aback in surprise i stuttered "W-w-w-what? C-Chihiro t-tell me…" she wouldn't hear a word of it.

Why I had decided to have swords framed on the wall was beyond my comprehension, but proved at this moment to make me fear for my life. She shoved past me, grabbing the chair from the desk next to the door and threw it at the frame causing the glass to break. She grasped the hilt of the samurai sword in her dainty little hands and pressed the dangerously sharp tip towards my throat. Needing no further persuasion I replied "She's cleaning the big tub with her new apprentice!" I rushed fearing for my life. What had gotten in to my little one?

She lowered the sword as I let out a sigh of relief. Her glare softened and she spoke with a sweet tone "Thank you dearest Haku." before tossing the sword aside. She walked out of the room, blew a kiss toward me, and slammed the door shut with such force it caused the walls to shake.

I stood there in shock. What the hell just happened?

**CHIHIRO POV**

Fuck Mother Nature. I said it! Fuck it! Fuck it all! I knew I was going to have to put up with this one day, but I hoped the return to the spirit world would possibly stop my body aging and all its other _functions_. Apparently not! I hadn't come prepared! I had absolutely nothing to help with _this_! What the hell was I supposed to do? Lin. Lin was my best girlfriend and I only trusted her with this, of course I trusted Haku. It'd just be too awkward to face him with that right now.

I strutted my way through the bath house not caring I was still in sleep wear. Spirits of all shapes and sizes stared at me. I was at first uncomfortable, but then grew furious with their lingering stares. What was so wrong about me walking around in fucking pajamas?

Feeling my temper reaching a boiling point I stopped dead in the middle of the bathing area where I was in clear view of everyone from the ground floor and floors above. I placed my hands on my hips and began to yell "YES! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I, CHIHIRO OGINO, MATE TO SO SAID SPIRIT OF THE KOHAKU RIVER, AM WALKING AROUND IN THE BATHHHOUSE IN FUCKING PAJAMAS!" every kami, yuna, and shadow spirit all stared at me aghast with surprise. I smirked, not moving an inch I wanted to spite them even further. "HAVE A GOOD LOOK EVERYONE! HERE'S A SCREAMING INSANE GIRL IN PAJAMAS!" I wanted to say more but suddenly a strong pair of arms threw me over a scrawny shoulder. I screamed in protest, but knew resistance was futile. There was just no escaping Lin's grasp once she got a hold of you.

"Sen, what the _hell_ was that?" she yelled at me once we had reached the sanctuary of the big tub. Her new apprentice Sayuri cowered in the pit of the tub scrubbing.

I sighed. "I got my period Lin. I have nothing with me to help for it, and I came to you to ask what to do."

She stared at me dumbfound. "What's a period?"

I gaped at her. "You know, period, time of the month, on the rag, visit from aunt flow?" I pushed.

She shook her head no. Did they really not have periods in the spirit world? I am so screwed…

**HAKU POV**

What had become of my little one? She's never acted out such as this before; I've only ever seen her as a beautiful sweet innocent little thing that couldn't harm a fly. Of course why she felt the need to change that as she practically shoved a sword to my throat I'll never comprehend.

Suddenly a horrible thought crossed my mind, _what sort of tirade will she pull through the bathhouse? If she shoved a sword to her own mate's throat then what will she do to complete strangers? _Without having time to contemplate this I was out the door flying. I had to stop her before she caused real damage!

What I saw next astonished me; she was standing in the middle of the bath house screaming at the customers! Yes she was on a rampage! I had to go down there and stop her; thankfully Lin beat me to it towing her down to the big tub. I would never admit this but I was eternally grateful to Lin for this for as of that moment my little one _frightened _me!

I didn't intrude, merely eavesdropped. It was obvious she didn't want to talk to me about whatever it was, but I was determined to find out one way or another!

She mentioned words I had never heard of such as _period. _What did that mean? What was a certain time of the month? As far as I knew every day was a time of the month…I didn't know she had an aunt named Flo. How was she visiting the spirit world? How was it possible that this "Flo" knew of our existence? I was sure Chihiro had told me of all her relatives.

Confused beyond belief at this point I decided to step in. Placing a hand gently on my little ones shoulder she gasped and turned around. She hated being snuck up on.

"Oh, Haku." She said her cheeks turning red.

"Now, I do enjoy a blush every now again on your face. But it's usually for me teasing you, this blush; I have no comprehension as to what's causing it. Care to enlighten me?" I lightly intoned.

She shook her head vigorously no. "And why not?" I tried my best not to anger her. The blush inflaming her cheeks immediately turned into a full on blaze from head to toe.

"It's…_embarrassing_." She whispered.

"Chihiro, it's me and Haku. You can tell us anything, we may not understand all aspects of being human but we try our best." Lin implied, trying to coax her farther.

She stamped her foot childishly and insisted on being quiet on the subject. Suddenly Lin had brought up something I hadn't noticed before. "Haku, do you smell that?" she implied sniffing around, her sense of smell not as good as mine. I gently took in the scent of the air, it smelled pleasant. Herbs and spices from the baths, cleaning supplies, the smell of pine trees from my little mate mixed in with…blood?

I gasped. "Chihiro! You're bleeding!" she turned beet red head to toe. It would have been amusing if I were not so concerned.

"Maybe I am." She muttered staring at the floor.

"What's wrong Chihiro?" I asked cupping her face, forcing her to look at me. She looked so terrified and weak in that moment I just wanted to hug her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Then a blazing fire filled her chocolate brown eyes, she was angry.

"What's wrong? I'm on my fucking period! And since apparently no one around here knows what that is, it means I'm bleeding out of my fucking vagina! Yes let it be known!" she practically screamed. I gaped. How is that even possible? "I'll go into the biology later! Right now I don't fucking care to anything!" all I could do was stare. "Hello!" she snapped me back to reality. "I need something absorbent to take care of this blood! It's not going away any time soon! Rags, gauze, bandages? Anything! And I need it now unless you want me to bleed everywhere!" she demanded. I was scared again and pulled some gauze out of the air to hand to her. She snatched it without further ado and paraded out of the room.

Lin and I stared at each other for a moment, wondering if that had really just happened.

I managed to compose myself eventually. "Lin, send Kamaji our condolences saying Chihiro has struck ill and will not be able to make it today." She nodded and with that I took my leave.

(**SUNSET THAT SAME DAY)**

I had taken Chihiro out on the balcony of our room and propped her up on a couch. She wore a light blanket around her and had a cup of tea to her front. She said it calmed her "cramps", whatever those were. It seemed I still had a lot to learn about my little human.

"Haku, come over here and watch the sunset with me." She crooned towards me. How could I deny her anything when she was so loving?

I went over to her and wiggled my arm behind her back and latched on to her waist. Pulling her to me she nuzzled her face against my chest. The moment was perfect with the beautiful sun setting orange pink and red in the sky.

All the sudden I heard a whimper beside me. Confused I turned to see tears streaming down her face. "What's wrong love? Are you in pain?" I asked concerned.

"No!" she cried "It's just so…_beautiful_!" she sobbed into my chest. I would never understand this. This was just day one of possibly 7 or 8! How was I to survive?

Feeling her sobbing subside I looked down to see she had fallen asleep. After the sun had set I decided to get up and finish some unattended business. I unwound myself from Chihiro and placed her in a comfortable position on the couch before kissing her on the cheek goodnight.

"HAKU HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" I heard yelling towards me. There was a slight whizzing noise and a crashing sound. I realized that I had missed the tea cup she threw at me by a hair.

_This can be no human thing,_ I decided, _my little one must be possessed by a demon._

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><p><strong>Hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!<strong>

**Funny or not?**

**What's your favorite part? Any relationships? **

**I definitely threw some of myself into this, I have literally been called the she-devil on mine. I become an absolute bitch! Haha!**

**First attempt at a humor so no flames please :)**


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